How to Tame Your Inner Dragon

I found out my father died yesterday. 

Well, he died on May 12, 2016. I just ran into his obituary yesterday, June 20, 2019. No one in the family had told me he passed away. 

I have been working on my other blog: Our Rugged Individualism. Genealogy has been a passion since I was in my teens. My cousin H.L. Colbert and distant relative Thelma Prince helped me trace my ancestry for several generations. I have the photocopy of H.L.'s notes still. 

Over the years, I kept notes and websites. I had everything to begin publishing books on the subject right when my computer crashed. I began again this spring to revive and rejuvenate what I had lost. That is when I searched for my father's name to trace his lineage back to Ireland and Belarus. 

I came upon his own obituary. I was floored. Nice, people. A letter or even a private message on my social media pages would have sufficed. 

The military buried him. The family did not hold a service. By the little said and done, it appears he was thrown away. 

Yes, my father was a disagreeable man on most days: difficult, complicated, and aggressive. I should know. I inherited his personality traits to a strong degree. As a slander to keep me in my place, family often complained: you're just like your father. In my early twenties, that cut me deep.

As a writer, I observe the world. I observed that his personality traits are active, not passive. My family wanted passivity. That made them people who go along to get along. I am the complete opposite of that negative follower mentality. 

The difference between my father and I is that over the years, I have learned to master the volatility; the ups and downs. The aggression, anger, and depression that seems to be unending in this incarnation is a dragon the needs to be fed. 

To feed this dragon, one must have goals and attain those goals on a regular basis. Idleness detracts from the flow of movement that keeps the dragon at bay. Idleness is when the dragon comes out and eats you alive. I motivate myself to transform the negative into positive outcomes. No matter what I do there is always more angst bubbling up to the surface.

There is a difference between me then (in my twenties) and now (in my forties). I use my angst more than it uses me. It’s taken some time, like ten years because of my disabling illness, to reorient myself. It’s been a fight. I have had to shed a lot of the old ways of thinking and doing to come to peace with idleness.

To become at peace with the dragon inside.

I know who and what I am. I also know I am a force of good in this world. It’s tougher, the road is harder, and the challenges higher being on the right path. That makes all the work worth it. It also means that your spirit grows to what the universe needs and that is to find balance in the energy.

It’s easy to be angry. It’s easy to be a horrible person and do horrible things… it’s much more difficult to be positive when your dragon is constantly trying to eat you.

I used to be able to sing and emotionally release my dragon. I cannot with my weak lungs and mold illness. So I write and create instead. On the days I cannot. When the dragon gets loose… I sometimes wallow or am short with people. I have learned to be okay with my depression and anger. Sometimes a person’s got to reveal her dragon to the world.

Everyone has a dragon. I guard my dragon as a knight on a horse in front of a cave. That dragon is tied to a boulder and let loose only on my darkest days when I am too ill to sit on my imaginary horse and keep the knot tied. Everyone has those days. Days you just have to vent. 

Lester Harold Mullan

I lived almost 22 years with my father. I was without him for nearly 23 years at the time of this death, and now 25 years in total. All this time, I have been learning how to be a better him. I know he was mentally ill; I know he couldn't help himself. So I had to allow the universe to take care of him for me. The hardest part is knowing when you cannot help someone. He traveled on his own path and I could not follow, no matter how much the separation hurt. 

Like today.

Still there are ways to control your dragon even on bad days. I have learned that if I place myself in the service of others, the dragon quiets down in the cave and will not be unleashed onto the world as much. Goals help. Inspiration is great. Creating and writing are awesome outlets where characters and color take the place of my dragon.

But dragons are tough. Sometimes we do not have enough tools in our repertoire to deal with having a dragon. That is what my father showed me. He showed me what happens when the dragon eats you and I never wanted it to catch me in the first place. Once I got out of the fear of myself and became a knight to cave my dragon, the world became happier and safer place.

I just wish my knight could have help my father slay his dragon long ago, but I know that was not my destiny. My destiny is to use my domesticated dragon to enlighten the world with my creative juices. Dragons are challenges, but they are also lessons. People with dragons have to decide what do to: use their dragon or be used by it. 

In the end, the dragon is to make you stronger to fight against negative forces in the universe. Your dragon becomes your path to enlightenment as a means of bringing knowledge and wisdom to the world. That is what dragons are for.

But for today, my dragon is angry and has a right to be. I will mourn for quite some time knowing my father is all alone and was for many years. No one should be buried without ceremony. It's called dignity and respect and separates us from the being mindless drones.

I am not sure what to do about that, but I will figure out something to right the wrong.

What the hell is wrong with people? 

On Its Way Feels Pretty Good

We should always do something nice for ourselves. When I decided to create the print book version of In the Name of Blood, I knew that that was my gift to myself this summer. 

So it is official:

What have you done for yourself lately?

Have a great and wonderful day.

First Print Mockup for In the Name of Blood is on the Way

As I have been creating new marketing materials, I decided to create the back page for my novel. 

I have had the item on my to-do list but I have always had some other task before it. Not that I crossed off the other tasks, I just made the move to finish what I started a year ago. Now the back page jacket looks pretty good. 

What do you think? 

In the Name of Blood Official Full Book Jacket

After it was done, I then added a table of contents to the book itself. That as they say was that! I had created the full version of the print edition to In the Name of Blood. I will also update the ebook to have a table of content as well.

I have put in an order for the mockup. When it arrives in the mail by next weekend, I will be able to correct any issues that may have arisen. Then I will begin to offer my ebook in print form. 

Hooray!

It is about time I hold my handiwork in my hands. I have a place on my bookshelf for my creative fiction and poetry, but being disabled makes my timetable a little longer than most. Plus the lack of funds does not help my timetable either. 

Now, more positive routes are in motion. It's not the destination, but the journey. Mine just happens to be in the slow lane.

Have a great and wonderful day! 

In the Name of Blood Book Cover Art

The vampire, crime-drama, In the Name of Blood is out in PDF, ebook form. The next books in the series are due out every year in October 2017, 2018 respectively. 

With a book series, cover art is essential for readers to recognize the set.

So the author came up with these covers:

Simple, but concise.

If you would like to start at the beginning, In the Name of Blood is available on the Sonoran Dawn Studios' Lulu Spotlight. 

Have a great and wonderful day!

Genealogy: the World of Ancestry

I have had the pleasure of researching family genealogy the past week. 

The journey has been an interesting one. I have found connections that I had never dreamed of as well as found new connections. Resolution has been the theme.  

Now I am on a crusade to find evidentury support for my findings. I ran into a lot of them on my quest, now I am hoping I can find other sources to codify my hypothesis. 

Tax, census, property, and other records to verify someone was where we believe they were is really going to help. 

I have created a Family Genealogy page so I can publish findings, research, hypotheses, and record support so family members do not have to redo our genealogy every next generation. 

Wouldn't that save time? 

Then we can focus our resources onto finding more connections instead of rehashing the old. 

If you would like to help, here is my message on RootsWeb: Chisholmes - VA to TX... Need Records Verification.

 I am sure if we begin a records depot, we can save everyone in the future a lot of time! 

Thank you so much Chisholmes for your participation.

Have a great and wonderful day!

Gaslighting and the Environmental Illness Patient Published

Today, Undawnted in conjunction with Sonoran Dawn Studios published our first book in the series: Environmental Illness. 

The booklet is: Gaslighting and the Environmental Illness Patient. 

Our synopsis:

The first book in the series sheds light on the psychology of friends, family, and the medical community at large when it comes to treating the Environmental Illness patient. 

Too often Environmental Illness patients are abandoned by the people that are supposed to care about them. Here is how and why situations like abandonment and name calling occur. 

When you understand what is happening to you, then you are able to deal with the emotional and mental impacts with a more mature perspective. 

How do you know if you have fallen victim to gaslighting?

The PDF's in this series will always be FREE because we know information needed by patients should be available to them without putting their safety or security at risk because of money issues.

Undawnted has a special page for our Environmental Illness Book Series, if you would like to see what other books are on the way.

If you like our booklets, please remember to Google+ and Facebook us as well as leave positive feedback.

Thank you!!!

Have a great and wonderful day! 

Photo Album

I see the days pass by me
as a group of still photos
being flipped through the air

one image leads into another
and another and another
until there are no more images
to be seen in the passage of time

that would be the difference
between now and then

with all the photos strewn
about the floor in no particular order
i wonder what day it is, was

was it a Tuesday? Friday?
does it matter at all?

time can capture our fondest memories
and our darkest moments untli we reach
a time where there are no more memories
that can be held in the palm of our hands

except for another's hand who has been there
taking the photos that chronicled our lives.

Chronic Illness and the Apathetic Sect

When people do not understand chronic, disabling illnesses, they tend to say the stupidest phrases.

"If you take a shower and exercise, you'll feel better."

That sentence is one that was thrown at me several times. If you have chronic fatigue, neither one of those suggestions are going to work very well, now are they?  So my family forced me to exercise by cooking my own food and doing chores. God forbid I was disabled by a terrible illness. I should get up and do for the household since I no longer could bring in a wage. 

That is the most irresponsible, immature attitude ever. 

I do not know how people justify this type of behavior on people who are ill. I have lived through some horrific experiences that I will not soon forget. How can I when the nightmares wake me? 

People believe that if you do not strike a person that no abuse has been committed.  That is not true. Some people believe what you have endured, you should just get over it. Stop throwing yourself a pity party. 

Yet, these same people will be upset if someone does them wrong. In cases like mine, my life was threatened and placed in danger on a continual basis. It is quite different then a perceived slight.

I may never be well and never "get over" my traumatic experiences with apathetic caregivers, but the drive to find well being will always be in my mind. For the best revenge is living well. I still have years to go before I reach that apex, but I have hope and determination to reach that goal.

What I like to do to diffuse the negative impacts of the past is to help others, educate others about how not to behave toward the chronically ill. I also like to take those emotions and dedicate them to writing, not the pity party people would like to foment.

After a nightmare or situation that manifests those terrible memories, I like to create digital art, write the back story to some evil foe, or write an emotive and engaging poem. 

Just because I have been abused and left for dead does not mean I have to carry the burden. Yes, I have low times and I do not trust others as I once did, but I do not run around with a pity party sign either. As a human, I have to touch the world a few times a month for food and supplies. I have had to learn to deal with others as compatriots and not combatants. 

I may have survived the battles, but does anyone truly win the war? 

Be kind to those people with a disability or illness if you understand or not. Sometimes the best support you can give someone is being present of mind and body. Would it harm you to have a board game night with your home bound neighbor? 

Have a wonderful but thoughtful night.

'Twas the Night Before Xmas... Zombie Style

I discovered this rendition of "Twas the Night Before Christmas, but this one is a bit creepy.

Here take a listen: Happy Creepy Christmas.

Enjoy!

My Favorite Time of the Year

It is October. 

I must confess: I never imagined that I would live this long. Not more than four years ago, I was bedridden on oxygen and unable to care for myself.

Instead of proper medical care, my former family and friends sought to abuse me in a manner that is criminal. Now I am having to deal with their immature and criminal acts once again. The stress takes its toll.

Well, you have seen from my non-posts. Sorry about that. I am still dealing with the situation, but I am hoping the family works out the details and no longer is apt to dragging me into the situation.

As for writing, well, none of that has happened. Sorry again.

I hate being of delicate in nature and I hope my constitution bounces back one of these years, for I would love to finish all of my books in a timely manner as well as meet any of my readership in actual person.

I have lofty goals, I know, but there is not one goal I have set that I have not attained in one manner or another. 

Which brings us to Halloween! October is my favorite month. I would like to return to giving out candy, dressing up, and decorating the yard, but alas that will not be this year. I did it once two years or so ago, and I did not fair well. 

I shall return to my former activities, slow and slow, but I shall.

Right now, I must get back to writing for myself, the Gazette, and my readership because nothing says entertainment like a chick with brain inflammation, knowledge, internet access, and an axe to grind.  

And, this is the time of year for axes. 

Have a scary and unpredictable day! 

 

_____

 

A writer at heart, Undawnted's own creative spark, DL Mullan, began writing short stories and poetry before adolescence. Over the years, Ms. Mullan has showcased her literary talents by self-publishing several collections of her poetry. She also writes novels, designs apparel, and creates digital art. Ms. Mullan‘s creative writing is available in digital and print collections, from academia to commercial anthologies. As an independent publisher, she produces her own book cover designs as well as maintains her own websites. She is an award-winning digital artist and poet. In 2022, DL Mullan begun sharing her knowledge via A Novelist Idea Newsletter. If you too want to become a Fearless Phile, then subscribe to her newsletter at her Substack.

Learn. Grow. Master… with Undawnted.

Positive Energy and Creation

I am new to the energy work realm relatively speaking to many others on this path. 

Even before I began to formally apply positive energy and thinking to situations, the universe was always there guiding me. Last year, I took in a pregnant 9 month old cat and eventually raised her babies. This year mother nature has decided I should host a mother hummingbird and her brood.

For a few weeks, the hummingbird sat on her eggs in the apex of my gazebo. Now she is feeding a hungry crew. In another few short weeks, the babies will leave the nest. 

All these happy beginnings surround me. 

Is the universe trying to tell me something? Well it's not motherhood and me that is for sure. That dream died with my second collapsed immune system (the black mold incident).  I cannot pass on this disease to anyone. It's not right.

I think the universe is telling me to do a do-over. Start again. Make my own happy beginning. 

It seems I am attracting in the animal world what I always wanted for myself: a home, caring family, positive support, and a safe environment in which to thrive. 

My only question is: what animal will I be hosting next year?

Giraffes? 

Have a great and wonderful day!

Two Can Play That Game

April Fool's Day did not go by without trying to screw me. 

My family believes that I should roll over and do whatever they say. Yeah, right. Get in line! 

They made it that I don't get X unless I sign off on Y. The joke is on them. I don't play games. My family should realize that they neglected, abused, and tortured me and go with that gut feeling. I have all the time in the world. 

I don't need X that badly. I can wait. I wonder who is going to cry uncle first?

What is being done by my family is not ethical or moral to say the least. Not even lawful, but why should laws and rights stand in their way? They haven't before. 

Some people never learn: crime doesn't pay. Where's a superhero when you need one? To steal fifty pieces of silver no less? What a shame.

Quite embarrassing I am still related to them. They obviously do not understand: two can play that game. Now to brush up on my superhero rules!

I am going to need to leap tall buildings for this one.

Family, Friends, and Other Fantasy Creatures

Have you ever wanted to be someone else?

I find that I have those thoughts occur more often these days. Since I live virtually in a bubble for my own health and protection, I like to fantasize about going to the movies, theater, or anywhere... that isn't here.

Could you imagine living without much or any human contact? I have some friends who call but it isn't the same as sitting down and talking with someone over tea and crumpets. Okay, so I don't have tea or even any funny shaped finger sandwiches, but you get the point. 

I often dream of having people who weren't scared to be my friends. Who would help when I needed it without strings attached or complaint. Who wanted to be around me without chemicals or poisons on their person. 

But who am I kidding?

If my own family would not make the sacrifices I have to now on a daily basis, thanks in part to their unthinking and unfeeling actions about a leaky kitchen faucet that created the black mold that almost killed me (after an irresponsible employer and illegal pesticides and fungus/mold in the buildings/air ducts that nearly killed me approximately eighteen months earlier), why would anyone else on this planet make any concessions to be my cell mate? Even for an hour?

It is a sad and terrible realization to know that you are in it for the long haul... and in it alone.

I'm glad that I was made an introvert. I can stand lengths of time in silence, but I am still a human girl. I like to imagine me in ball gowns, party dresses, curled hair, perfect make up, and high heeled shoes. 

That is just a fantasy of what could have been. 

If only people would stop and think about how their actions or even inactions could affect other people. I guess that is another fantasy of mine: people who take responsibility.

I was erroneously under the impression that if you do wrong to someone you make it up to that person better than how you harmed them. Another fantasy...

And, that family or friends would take a minute to walk in my shoes before they ignore what they have done to me and still feel they are allowed to call me names.

After all I did to keep the family together... why would you treat me this way? Make me sick? Threaten me? Isolate me? Refuse medical treatment for me? Steal from me? Hit me? Bully me? Yell and scream at me? Refuse me basic care? Then abandon me for dead when you illicit the negative reaction you wanted after years of this torture to justify your getaway? Give me a break.

Even though I was very sick and fragile during the neglect, abuse, and torture, the brain has a way of saving it for later. So I remember what happened to me. All of it.

The night terrors continue... like the one that woke me with a blood curdling scream this morning.

I maybe alone, but I rather entertain what could have been then to see or hear from family or friends ever again who don't know the value of a person.

Migraines and Karma are Bitches

There is one thing in life that I despise more than peas and lima beans... any guesses? It's migraines. 

I had a nice one yesterday morning, which carried over into this afternoon. Usually one of my migraines is about detoxing or weather patterns. So I'm guessing a detox reaction. 

Great. Swell. Better out than in!

The cats didn't care until this morning when I did not get out of bed and open up the curtains for their viewing pleasure. So I got played on, meowed at, and otherwise terrorized by the furry inhabitants of my home. 

But I have a cure for incessant negative behaviors and that is the squirt bottle full of water. Don't tell Jackson Galaxy! When you can't hardly move and you need some peace and quiet... the squirt bottle is the best option.

People tend to frown upon murder and it almost came to that this morning. My migraines are so painful that they not only raise my body temperature, they inflame my senses: so I cannot stand light or sound.

That's okay, my vision is so blurry I cannot get around well anyway. That means: no television, no reading, no nothing. 

And sound? Everything feels like a drum on my body. Even the slightest touch can feel like a heavy brick chaffing my skin and bruising my muscles.

What a nice gift mercury and black mold gives to the body. Since I cannot take any pain medications, I'm totally allergic to most OTC and Rx drugs, I have to lay quietly and still with ice all over my head, neck and sometimes shoulders and back. My muscles tense up so badly in my legs that I can get charlie horses and other cramps while I am trying to get past the migraine.

I even have melted ice so fast that I have had to change out water for cubes almost hourly. 

Thank you to everyone who poisoned me. What a joy it is to be in that much pain several times a month. You should try blinding pain sometime. It really is great.

Do they care? Hell no.

That's the great thing about karma. Once you've done something so offensive, it's kind of difficult to relieve yourself of galactic payback. So they might not receive migraines. It might be a car crash injury or cancer. Always the balance must be restored on the cosmic scale. 

Even when you think karma is finished with you, here she comes again!

My illness and maybe even karma was not because of some offense, but because I believed that people would do right by me as I had done with them. Silly me. What was I thinking?

So I lay here hoping the pain in my temple is not another migraine coming on. 

I think back to the way I picked up nails in my boss's parking space on a near daily basis, warned people when the cleaning crew used a dirty chemical rag to wash out their coffee pot, helped people out when I did not have to, and took in my family when they had nowhere else to go.

And I think how stupid I was to believe that when you do right, right is returned to you. 

It seems the only constant in life is karma and am I forever paying for my good deeds.

Isn't that a bummer?

Home Alone for the Holidays

That is one thing that upsets me about the holidays. Since I am chronically ill and no one wants to help me out: I am home alone for the holidays.

I have always been ultra responsible. Clean. Non-smoker. No drugs. No alcohol. 

I have taken care of everyone one else including their messes. When the tables were turned, good bye! and good luck! 

Even now I take care of other people's cats in the neighborhood. The man next door trapped and spayed a mother cat and her three babies. Then he stopped caring for them. One was so skinny and sickly, I scrounged up some food to give to her. Another sibling was ill and I had to give her up, my service cat, to the Humane Society to fix up and adopt out. (I so mourn for her everyday.) 

Then there's the man's renter. A drug addict with AIDS who doesn't help me out even when I demanded him to do so. I am left holding the bag and his grey, long-haired Russian Blue calico cat.

Four, 16lb bags of dry cat food, five bags of natural litter, and sixty cans of wet food a month to keep up everyone's cats on the block. Perhaps I should start a donation site and link it here so I can see if anyone can help me before I have to send half away to the Humane Society. I just cannot keep up.

So as I lay here in bed trying to stay warm, I am alone. The cats I do have inside love sleeping on my couches. They are great couches by the way, which I cover with towels. 

When my family left me, they left me with nothing. Literally. I had a bed, desk, computer chair. I believe that was all. They took everything else in the house including the appliances. 

My family was trying to further debase, torture, and punish me for being chronically and devastatingly ill. Part of which was their fault. They made me ill with black mold from a leaky sink. 

After not telling me for two years of the leak, I had to call for a handyman while I was trying to recover from the pesticide poisoning from my former employer... I was not a well woman to be doing anything. So my family left the black mold to grow in the particle board for seven months after I fixed the leak.

By the way, it takes less than an hour to remove the particle board from a sink cupboard... but that was too much to ask of my family.

By then, I was skeletal, allergic to practically everything because my immune system was already collapsed from the mercury poisoning. It just keeps getting better and better, doesn't it?

My inheritance was also confiscated by my family as I guess payment of taking care of me when I had taken care of them for over ten years. My bills apparently weren't as important as their bills. 

So I am here. I should probably get out my copy of Home Alone just to cheer me up. Well, that's if I still have it and it too wasn't already confiscated like so many of my other possessions were. 

OMG, how depressing... I must find something good.

I did get furniture eventually when I received my disability. I discovered I didn't have to go into chemical laden stores to shop for furniture. I was so happy! 

I found a furniture store across town that was an outlet of sorts. I got a beautiful two-tone dining table, six chairs, a couch, and sofa for a very reasonable price. Good furniture too. I believe it is called Ashley Signature Furniture. Of course, I paid the close-out prices! I didn't have much to spend. 

I did find another online store with discounted furniture and got a wonderful bedroom set. I never had a bedroom set before. It's the warm dark cherry wood. 

Okay, I turned the bad into good. Wheew! That was a close one. 

So I better go harass my kitties, steal one to watch a movie with me as I cannot wait to sleep to see if Sugar Plums really do dance in our heads!

Have a great and wonderful night! 

P.S... my Home Alone dvd is missing ;(