Your Rose Colored Glasses Ain't Helpin' Me

It's funny when you are in need how people react to you. 

Some people act like they want to help by asking you 21 questions and then decide you didn't answer them correctly. How did my disability fail to meet your help requirements? 

Some people act like you are having the time of  your life on disability. Near death experiences on a weekly basis, hallicuinations on a daily basis, and money on a monthly basis is how much fun again? 

Some people accuse you of not being ill... Well, you look fine. I saw you walk to your front door. You just need to take a shower and get some exercise... Yeah, that exercise almost ended me two Sundays ago when I tried to do yard work to save money. Are we supposed to be judging a book by its cover? 

Some people believe you qualify for all sort of government handouts and assistance. No, actually I do not qualify for any resources I have paid into over the years. No food stamps. No long term care. No home assistance. No medical (my doctor told me to see a naturopath; those doctors are not covered by Medicare). No lawn help. No grocery assistance. No churches help. No meals on wheels or other help because of my food and chemical allergies; once i enumerate them, I get hung up on. No driving assistance because I cannot be around smokers or fragrances; the religious organization wanted a letter from my doctor to verify my illness.

There comes a time when a person just gets fed up being called a liar. 

I went on a Facebook group that is supposed to help people, but you have to have a working phone with a camera and cell service. I haven't had cell service in quite awhile because I have been too sick to travel. In order to get help with food, I had to take a picture of my refrigerator with a note I would write with the date. Say what? So all those photos I see are staged? There is no way in hell that is proof of anything but that you have an expensive cellular phone and service.  

My digital cameras sit unused because I haven't been able to afford batteries. My flashlight is not doing so well either. I don't trust it to go into a dark room anymore. I have one working light bulb on a stick lamp I put around the back of the house to see at night. 

So if I borrowed a camera, then I will be accused of having enough money for a fancy phone and service like I was on the Kettle Fire Bone Broth post a few months back when I asked them for some coupons and any programs they might have for disabled people like me. I was reamed by this woman (not associated with the company). 

I have also been accused of being "entitled" to the social programs I have paid for over the years on Twitter. Somehow I do not deserve somneone's time and effort. What has happened to our world? America has turned into the rose colored glasses squad of infinite denial. 

If you complain that the reality you live is different from the one people associate with, you are ungrateful, entitled, bitter, and have "attitude." For telling the truth of my situation? Wowzers. 

I was also told that because I live in Arizona, I qualify for food stamps like it is automatic for a housebound person such as myself. That is so untrue. I was informed by the same Facebook group that $100 was too high for me to receive any grocery help for the month. Food stamps for one adult in Arizona is $200 a month. So I was expected to live off less than $15 a week for some fantasy. 

I had already said to delete my post once I was told there were no resources for me there, yet some of the membership kept goading me to turn in a fake picture. I cried and sobbed most of the night and this morning over how people are so disconnected from reality that they refused to hear what I was telling them: I and my friends have tried to get me services; I am refused because I cannot travel,  talk on the phone, or win phone lotteries (for utility help). 

Take off the glasses... these programs are for able bodied people! Disabled people can only qualify if they cater to the able bodied programs' requirements. Isn't that a form of discrimination? Doesn't the ADA require companies to give a reasonable accommodation? Only if you have a good lawyer.

I also heard: nothing you said has anything to do with us. Really? Then why are you so adamant in proving me a liar? No consistent help for over 12 years. I am not a liar. And, your refusal to listen to me for help just proved my point to me all over again.

...But you can buy used clothing and laundry machines... with a collapsed immune system for which I cannot be around Febreeze, toxic laundry products, or bleaches? Right. Here is the real list: I can use only one kind of dish washing liquid, hard soap, shampoo, and only mineral based, unscented laundry/dishwasher tabs. That is it. 

Stick a fork in me, I'm done. 

I don't fit within a neat set of perimeters so therefore I am dismissed as unworthy for the time and effort, but doesn't that say more about the state of your soul than it does about the state of my reality? 

I challenge anyone to live the way I have to for six months. You won't last. My family didn't. My friends didn't. Being the girl in the bubble is more restrictive than you may romanticize it is.

So the next time you are terribly ill from the flu that you cannot think, have patience, work, drive, walk to the bathroom, cook yourself a meal, get your mail, or even breathe out your nose, remember, you are still having a better day than I have had in fifteen years.

Compassion is not something that should have to be taught. Yes, certain people like to take advantage, but when you meet someone who is truly in need... your natural instincts should kick in. Unless you are still wearing those silly glasses of condescending piety. 

You should probably take those off now.

Have a great and wonderful day.

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Recovery, It's Not Just for Addicts

I am trying to recover from biotoxin illness. 

My immune system collapse due to employer negligence with industrial chemicals including the misuse and overuse of pesticides.

As I was getting back on my feet, my family allowed a leaky sink to cause my second collapse with toxic black mold.

...but my real medical, clinical symptoms and skeletal condition were just in my head. That is what I was told repeatedly.

Now that my family disowned me, I am recovering inch by inch with miles to go. Every inch is sweet. Of course, every set back is frustrating too. 

When you have a chronic and debilitating illness and people like your family make fun of you, it is really difficult to want to have camaraderie again. I have noticed that when someone is at a distance, I feel better. Our relationship is good.

But when someone is in touching distance of me, well, I am uncomfortable. I guess when someone is abused as I have been that being shy of close connection is not unusual. It's a survival mechanism. 

And, I am a survivor. 

If you do not understand the illness, then support the person the best you can. Be positive but not harassing. Believe me, the ill person will be grateful you care, but do not be disappointed that the ill person remains ill. 

My family thought that I should be able to run around and do chores for them. Or, do all my chores. So when I did not get better from their constant hounding and negativity, my family told others I was an addict and psychotic, which no one with an M.D. or Ph.D. could ever prove even with blood tests. Many terrible things were done to me as a result.  

But recovery from a prolonged illness has many of the hallmarks of recovering from an addiction. First, all your friends are not your friends anymore. Most, if not all, your family ignores you. Your requests for help and support go largely unanswered except for people who are paid to help and support you.

The only difference between being ill and being an addict is understanding from society. Addicts get support groups and therapists. I don't. Addicts receive adequate medical care. I don't. Addicts get legal services and protection under the law. I don't. Addicts have people who they can turn to... well, you get the picture. 

I am not ill by choice. Others chose this path for me. I hope one day people with invisible disabilities like chronic, lifelong illnesses will receive the same societal understanding and respect as others do already. 

It's not a crime to be ill, but it sure does feel like it. I had to go through a Disability Review recently, which I passed because I am truly ill, but the treatment I received placed my health and life in jeopardy. The situation was not fun and I nearly died. 

I am not okay with what happened to me especially since my family tortured and imprisoned me. 

Like Kermit the Frog said: It's not easy being green."

So, what will you do to help your elderly or sick neighbor? They could really use your helping hand at least once a month. If your whole neighborhood assisted others who cannot help themselves, America would be a much brighter place.

Thank you!

Are Essential Oils Essential to the Recovery Process?

In the next stage of my recovery from a debilitating, chronic illness, I have ventured into the realm of essential oils. 

Essential oils have garnered quite the resume in healing circles. 

With my sensitive sense of smell, I have to be careful. My brain is on the look out for anything to attack, including me. So the slow process of retraining my brain has commenced.

I have decided to try peppermint first to cool down and repair my digestive system.  i can add it to cocoa. I can eat it straight in emergencies. I can also place some in carrier oils like olive and coconut to put on my skin. 

So far the effects are better than my peppermint filled mocha from Starbucks without the added sugar or fat... don't even get me started on the transgenic additives as well. 

Have you had your peppermint today?

It's HOT, HOT, HOT!

Well the desert woke up today.

Mid-90's for the high... ouch! It's back to sleeping during the day and staying up all night again. I won't put the system into full use until I see 100+ on the weather map as an everyday occurrence.

Up all night has it's advantages, I am pretty much free to do what I want without witness as long as I am quiet. I get to track the stars, constellations, and planets, which is very cool. Although I do like the winter sky more than the summer sky. 

And at night is when I am more creative. I like to write at night. When dawn hits, I get that second wind to clean and organize until I fall on my face around noon time. 

I think this summer is going to be a good time. 

I have plans I am working on. One is to get more stable in my reactions. Another is to invoke my creativity onto the next level. I need to. I miss it.

That means: finger painting! Just kidding. 

But I do need to get some new pastels to see if my body will allow me to use them. Ah, the joys of chemical allergies and collapsed immune systems.

No wonder I like the night full of possibilities!

Time to Clean House, Pt 44

It seems like every day I want to clean my house.

I like a nice, neat house, but I have kids. Right now, those kids are running through the house chasing each other and jumping onto the furniture.

Good thing, my kids are cats.

Luckily, it's going to be warm this week until the beginning of next. The only complaint I have is the lines in the sky. Damn, geoengineering chemicals! Ruins my fun every single time.

I have to keep my house closed and the air cleaners on. When those trails get to the lower atmosphere, I start having respiratory and other problems.

I'm not the only person in Arizona upset by these chemical lines. I just did a story for the Gazette about a man in Mohave County: Geoengineeing: One Arizonan's Battle Against Being Poisoned.

I couldn't make this shit up if I wanted to. 

So I have got to get everything done so it can go out into the recycling and trash bins for pick up tomorrow morning.

Then hide again, I must, until someone stops the planes from poisoning all of us.

Family, Friends, and Other Fantasy Creatures

Have you ever wanted to be someone else?

I find that I have those thoughts occur more often these days. Since I live virtually in a bubble for my own health and protection, I like to fantasize about going to the movies, theater, or anywhere... that isn't here.

Could you imagine living without much or any human contact? I have some friends who call but it isn't the same as sitting down and talking with someone over tea and crumpets. Okay, so I don't have tea or even any funny shaped finger sandwiches, but you get the point. 

I often dream of having people who weren't scared to be my friends. Who would help when I needed it without strings attached or complaint. Who wanted to be around me without chemicals or poisons on their person. 

But who am I kidding?

If my own family would not make the sacrifices I have to now on a daily basis, thanks in part to their unthinking and unfeeling actions about a leaky kitchen faucet that created the black mold that almost killed me (after an irresponsible employer and illegal pesticides and fungus/mold in the buildings/air ducts that nearly killed me approximately eighteen months earlier), why would anyone else on this planet make any concessions to be my cell mate? Even for an hour?

It is a sad and terrible realization to know that you are in it for the long haul... and in it alone.

I'm glad that I was made an introvert. I can stand lengths of time in silence, but I am still a human girl. I like to imagine me in ball gowns, party dresses, curled hair, perfect make up, and high heeled shoes. 

That is just a fantasy of what could have been. 

If only people would stop and think about how their actions or even inactions could affect other people. I guess that is another fantasy of mine: people who take responsibility.

I was erroneously under the impression that if you do wrong to someone you make it up to that person better than how you harmed them. Another fantasy...

And, that family or friends would take a minute to walk in my shoes before they ignore what they have done to me and still feel they are allowed to call me names.

After all I did to keep the family together... why would you treat me this way? Make me sick? Threaten me? Isolate me? Refuse medical treatment for me? Steal from me? Hit me? Bully me? Yell and scream at me? Refuse me basic care? Then abandon me for dead when you illicit the negative reaction you wanted after years of this torture to justify your getaway? Give me a break.

Even though I was very sick and fragile during the neglect, abuse, and torture, the brain has a way of saving it for later. So I remember what happened to me. All of it.

The night terrors continue... like the one that woke me with a blood curdling scream this morning.

I maybe alone, but I rather entertain what could have been then to see or hear from family or friends ever again who don't know the value of a person.

OMG, The Sky is Falling... NOT!

Today was kind of sluggish. The blue sky turned lined and hazy thanks to the chemtrails. So sad. My city is maligned with poisons and no one does anything to stop it.

All the dew is gone from my grass and plants. That is how I know our atmosphere is being messed with, the natural order is out of order. I wish someone would halt this brainless activity.

When the lines of chemicals start penetrating the lower levels of the atmosphere, all of a sudden, I cannot breathe. So I end up inside watching a beautiful day turn into a planet dimming, engineered nightmare. Thanks, global-warming/climate change liars. You are ruining a perfectly good planet, and my days, over nothing. Idiots!

Before the day was lost, I did clean around the house. So at least I got something accomplished. My cracked and bleeding hands will attest that I did in fact clean.

Ray, my old white cat, was sleeping on the couch covering his nose like his face was cold. He ventured into bed with me. He must be cold. He is resting on my legs where he usually sleeps at the end of the bed on a pillow or cover.

Oh, Ray just left me. Obviously some pertinent kitty cat business especially since some of the kittens awoke when I placed my dinner dishes in the sink. Then curiosity was peaked and tails emerged from the darkness... the land sharks moved around the living room as if their prey was not alerted to their presence.

Sounds like a book in the making to me! 

If only I would keep from falling asleep during prime time hours on the television. Granted most of my shows are on hiatus, but beginning next week, my shows are new again. I guess I should try nap time a few hours earlier so I can stay up to watch my shows.

Then I can start finding a few hours to start writing fiction again. 

Well once my medical condition allows for better brain concentration. I still cannot write or think with music or television on, so I have to work in complete silence.  Now that's annoying as all get out. 

So here's to rock'n'roll dreams and hazy nightmares. 

Have a great and wonderful night!