Recovery, It's Not Just for Addicts

I am trying to recover from biotoxin illness. 

My immune system collapse due to employer negligence with industrial chemicals including the misuse and overuse of pesticides.

As I was getting back on my feet, my family allowed a leaky sink to cause my second collapse with toxic black mold.

...but my real medical, clinical symptoms and skeletal condition were just in my head. That is what I was told repeatedly.

Now that my family disowned me, I am recovering inch by inch with miles to go. Every inch is sweet. Of course, every set back is frustrating too. 

When you have a chronic and debilitating illness and people like your family make fun of you, it is really difficult to want to have camaraderie again. I have noticed that when someone is at a distance, I feel better. Our relationship is good.

But when someone is in touching distance of me, well, I am uncomfortable. I guess when someone is abused as I have been that being shy of close connection is not unusual. It's a survival mechanism. 

And, I am a survivor. 

If you do not understand the illness, then support the person the best you can. Be positive but not harassing. Believe me, the ill person will be grateful you care, but do not be disappointed that the ill person remains ill. 

My family thought that I should be able to run around and do chores for them. Or, do all my chores. So when I did not get better from their constant hounding and negativity, my family told others I was an addict and psychotic, which no one with an M.D. or Ph.D. could ever prove even with blood tests. Many terrible things were done to me as a result.  

But recovery from a prolonged illness has many of the hallmarks of recovering from an addiction. First, all your friends are not your friends anymore. Most, if not all, your family ignores you. Your requests for help and support go largely unanswered except for people who are paid to help and support you.

The only difference between being ill and being an addict is understanding from society. Addicts get support groups and therapists. I don't. Addicts receive adequate medical care. I don't. Addicts get legal services and protection under the law. I don't. Addicts have people who they can turn to... well, you get the picture. 

I am not ill by choice. Others chose this path for me. I hope one day people with invisible disabilities like chronic, lifelong illnesses will receive the same societal understanding and respect as others do already. 

It's not a crime to be ill, but it sure does feel like it. I had to go through a Disability Review recently, which I passed because I am truly ill, but the treatment I received placed my health and life in jeopardy. The situation was not fun and I nearly died. 

I am not okay with what happened to me especially since my family tortured and imprisoned me. 

Like Kermit the Frog said: It's not easy being green."

So, what will you do to help your elderly or sick neighbor? They could really use your helping hand at least once a month. If your whole neighborhood assisted others who cannot help themselves, America would be a much brighter place.

Thank you!

My Favorite Time of the Year

It is October. 

I must confess: I never imagined that I would live this long. Not more than four years ago, I was bedridden on oxygen and unable to care for myself.

Instead of proper medical care, my former family and friends sought to abuse me in a manner that is criminal. Now I am having to deal with their immature and criminal acts once again. The stress takes its toll.

Well, you have seen from my non-posts. Sorry about that. I am still dealing with the situation, but I am hoping the family works out the details and no longer is apt to dragging me into the situation.

As for writing, well, none of that has happened. Sorry again.

I hate being of delicate in nature and I hope my constitution bounces back one of these years, for I would love to finish all of my books in a timely manner as well as meet any of my readership in actual person.

I have lofty goals, I know, but there is not one goal I have set that I have not attained in one manner or another. 

Which brings us to Halloween! October is my favorite month. I would like to return to giving out candy, dressing up, and decorating the yard, but alas that will not be this year. I did it once two years or so ago, and I did not fair well. 

I shall return to my former activities, slow and slow, but I shall.

Right now, I must get back to writing for myself, the Gazette, and my readership because nothing says entertainment like a chick with brain inflammation, knowledge, internet access, and an axe to grind.  

And, this is the time of year for axes. 

Have a scary and unpredictable day! 

 

_____

 

A writer at heart, Undawnted's own creative spark, DL Mullan, began writing short stories and poetry before adolescence. Over the years, Ms. Mullan has showcased her literary talents by self-publishing several collections of her poetry. She also writes novels, designs apparel, and creates digital art. Ms. Mullan‘s creative writing is available in digital and print collections, from academia to commercial anthologies. As an independent publisher, she produces her own book cover designs as well as maintains her own websites. She is an award-winning digital artist and poet. In 2022, DL Mullan begun sharing her knowledge via A Novelist Idea Newsletter. If you too want to become a Fearless Phile, then subscribe to her newsletter at her Substack.

Learn. Grow. Master… with Undawnted.

Another Day, Another Dollar

I wish I had a dollar!

Today was quiet. I had to stay inside because a neighbor had their weeds sprayed. I wish people would stop using pesticides. Those chemicals are toxic and not good for anything.

Remember if you can't ingest it, why are you using it?

There are far better, easier, safer, and cheaper ways to kill weeds and insects than industrial strength poisons. 

Beyond the ritual toxicity of life, I have been really uploading writing projects of mine this week. I hope I find more in my archives to post. It is always exciting to discover a piece of writing you had forgotten about. Plus I have hidden an Easter Egg on the site. That will be a place for little treasures for my readers.

You never know when a coupon code may just pop up there for something I am selling like a book, art piece, or a design of mine.

I'm just sneaky that way. 

This weekend I will be piling on more of my archives and maybe I'll find something to post on lulu.com or Amazon.  It's not like I am hurting for words.

Have a safe weekend!

Family, Friends, and Other Fantasy Creatures

Have you ever wanted to be someone else?

I find that I have those thoughts occur more often these days. Since I live virtually in a bubble for my own health and protection, I like to fantasize about going to the movies, theater, or anywhere... that isn't here.

Could you imagine living without much or any human contact? I have some friends who call but it isn't the same as sitting down and talking with someone over tea and crumpets. Okay, so I don't have tea or even any funny shaped finger sandwiches, but you get the point. 

I often dream of having people who weren't scared to be my friends. Who would help when I needed it without strings attached or complaint. Who wanted to be around me without chemicals or poisons on their person. 

But who am I kidding?

If my own family would not make the sacrifices I have to now on a daily basis, thanks in part to their unthinking and unfeeling actions about a leaky kitchen faucet that created the black mold that almost killed me (after an irresponsible employer and illegal pesticides and fungus/mold in the buildings/air ducts that nearly killed me approximately eighteen months earlier), why would anyone else on this planet make any concessions to be my cell mate? Even for an hour?

It is a sad and terrible realization to know that you are in it for the long haul... and in it alone.

I'm glad that I was made an introvert. I can stand lengths of time in silence, but I am still a human girl. I like to imagine me in ball gowns, party dresses, curled hair, perfect make up, and high heeled shoes. 

That is just a fantasy of what could have been. 

If only people would stop and think about how their actions or even inactions could affect other people. I guess that is another fantasy of mine: people who take responsibility.

I was erroneously under the impression that if you do wrong to someone you make it up to that person better than how you harmed them. Another fantasy...

And, that family or friends would take a minute to walk in my shoes before they ignore what they have done to me and still feel they are allowed to call me names.

After all I did to keep the family together... why would you treat me this way? Make me sick? Threaten me? Isolate me? Refuse medical treatment for me? Steal from me? Hit me? Bully me? Yell and scream at me? Refuse me basic care? Then abandon me for dead when you illicit the negative reaction you wanted after years of this torture to justify your getaway? Give me a break.

Even though I was very sick and fragile during the neglect, abuse, and torture, the brain has a way of saving it for later. So I remember what happened to me. All of it.

The night terrors continue... like the one that woke me with a blood curdling scream this morning.

I maybe alone, but I rather entertain what could have been then to see or hear from family or friends ever again who don't know the value of a person.

TGIF or Whatever the Flipping Day It Is

Since becoming ill, days seems to run together. I have to constantly check a clock and/or calendar just to keep up.

Time distortion has become a routine occurrence for me. It's like an alien abduction but without all the experience to make a best selling novel. I have missed minutes, hours, and my favorite: days. WTF? 

Brain inflammation, what a wonderful way to spend the last remnants of my life.

I usually watch a television show a night to keep me on target. When shows go on hiatus for movie events, specials, or holidays, I get screwed up. With nothing on Fridays, Saturdays, or Sundays, I have to find new and inventive ways to tell time. 

Sometimes losing time is a blessing in disguise. 

When I feel or believe I have more time than I have, I can enjoy myself more in the moment. I can get lost in a painting or movie or ebook or poetry. Lost is sometimes the greatest direction in your life.

Even though I have time to be lost, it does not mean my time as a wanderer is less meaningful, it just means I know the value of time. 

Value is different than price. My illness is a price. Value is how I chose to live it.

Have a great Friday!!!

In Search Of: The Great American... Vitamin?

My Emergen-C Multivitamin was discontinued. I have been researching and trying to find a replacement this last month. Boy, has my body been a tyrant!

I cannot focus to meditate as well as I was a few weeks ago, my body has been fighting me about eating, and just the general malaise. Well, I was taking the packets three times a day with my other regular Emergen-C packets so I can function a few hours a day.

I went to the Vitamin Shoppe online where I buy some of my supplements. I discovered a powder multivitamin, mineral, and amino acid complex. At first, my body was: wtf? but now it seems to really like the vitamin, pharmacy tasting powder.

Finally. I mix the powder with some pineapple juice and we're good.

My only wish is that I could find one without Iron in it so I can take it as many times a day as I need it. I'm still researching to find something to compliment my entire regimen of vitamins and supplements.

I want to begin feeling better. I hate being tried and ill. It really is no fun. 

I did get the dishes done today, which is great. I get to eat dinner tonight on a plate! That is always helpful. I haven't decided what is for dinner so I guess I better go look in the freezer and pantry isles of my house. 

Then it's time for bed. The vitamins have made me spunk up and then crash right afterward. I hope the spunk takes on a life of its own so I can be more active during the day. 

I can't write that Great American Novel if I'm asleep in bed. 

 

Living the Vida Kitty

I never thought in all my life that I would be sleeping as much as my cats. 

I have so much to do and not enough money to do it... or any energy even if I was flush.

There is a virus going around that knocks you down, then a bacteria gets into your chest, and then the virus comes back to finish you off. That is literal. I have heard of others dying of this so-called flu, but I don't think it's the regular flu.

I know I have it. I have mucous  in my throat and chest; post nasal drip, chills, over sleeping... the works!

The illness began back in December, I fought it back with vitamin C packets and raw organic garlic but it came back this month. Well, I went out grocery shopping and that will get you every time! 

So I'm back on the vitamin C and garlic.

I' beat a similar infection/virus last year. It's just that if you don't take care of yourself and increase your supplements, and garlic, you can put yourself at undue risk.

This afternoon, I fell asleep listening to an online newscast I like to watch every week. I got onto myself, then I realized: if you are falling asleep for little reason then you are probably a lot sicker than you think you are.

For this weekend then I am going to live the Vida Kitty. I'll go get warm in the sun in the afternoons but for the rest of the time: it's bed rest, liquids, online television shows, supplements and garlic as far as the eye can see. 

I hope by next week this chapter of fuzzy mittens and luluabies is over. I have bulk trash to get out by the curb and I can't annoy the neighbors with a trash heap if I'm coughing up a lung.

Stay safe and be well!

Proof, Placebo, and the Earth Effect

My brain is fried. I did too much watching of scientific research videos online. Oopsy!

From quantum physics to comparative mythology to Earthing, I have done it all and boy, am I tired. I didn't realize all these disciplines had opened up and now are talking to each other. I wish there had been more cross collaboration when I was in college.

Well, I did take a lot of classes. I felt that I had broached nearly every subject that was offered until I had to specialize. I remember taking a year off community college in order to take classes I didn't need for my associate degrees before I moved onto my bachelor's degree. 

Before I was made ill by my former employer, I was in the middle of attaining three associates and two (at least) certificates. Learning for me is no more difficult than breathing... until my body collapsed under the weight of heavy metal poisoning.

There is nothing fun about gasping to breathe for years.

So when I get excited that I had a good brain day, now you know why. I have spent too many days not having a well functioning brain because of the constant inflammation my body produces because of the toxic overload it possesses. 

One thing I did find information about is Earthing. I like energy work. Grounding oneself metaphysically as well as other energy healing modalities are interesting and produce results for me.

I don't want to be broken anymore. I don't have millions of dollars to get me well again, so I have to do it the slow, old fashion way.

With Earthing, all I have to do is find some grass or earth, stand there in my bare feet, and soak up the energy from the ground and sun. That, I can do. That is easy.

This afternoon I went out and stood in some grass coming up in my decorative river rock. I stood.   One of my outdoor cats came to see what I was doing.  James just lounged around as I felt the Earth under my feet. 

Funny thing was the inflammation I have been experiencing subsided for all the time I was outside and a half hour after I returned inside. I will keep seeing if this procedure works or not. I am a scientist at heart. I want proof, not placebo. 

One thing when I started this journey of self healing is that I wanted to see real results. Results I could pass onto others with MCS/EI/Mold. Knowledge is good. Healing is better. Free is the best, but results are king.

I can't wait for my brain to heal good enough for me to start writing books on my experiences.

Wouldn't success fly in the convention of serious illness? I hope so. I have a lot of people to show that you can hit me, kick me, and beat me down... but I will ALWAYS get back up again...

Don't you feel that way some days too?

Have a great and wonderful night!