Undawnted Pages

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Can't Lose What You Never Had

So I've lost my mind. This admission should surprise no one who reads my blog. Since the pesticide poisoning and black mold exposure, my mind is not what it used to be.

I always joked: can't lose what you never had... and that's been my mantra.

Until this last month, I began a new multivitamin powder and now a B Complex 50 with methyl B-12. My mind began clicking on. I started to remember things.

I remembered the Jestons: Heaven's to Mergatroid! 

It's amazing what a methyl group tied to B-12 can do. I have read that liposomal B-12 is actually better absorbed but one thing at a time. I got to see if this new direction works.

When you used to have a near endemic memory, life is difficult when you cannot remember what you did several hours hence, or control your movement, or maintain a normal body temperature. Life becomes unbearable without the little things going in your favor. 

Now I see a light at the end of the tunnel. It's a night light, but at least there is a light. I thought what I have done was the best I could do and then my body surprises me. I guess I have gotten to the point where my body is open to suggestions. 

That's fine by me. 

Next I want to feed it more amino acids and some glutithone as well as bone meal to save what is left of my poor teeth and bones. I don't want to wake up one day and break a hip.

With energy and nerve regeneration, I can begin to move and exercise. My metabolism will heighten and make me use my food better. Amino acids and antioxidants will detox and strengthen my systems. Then building body back up will not be difficult. 

Although I will always have to be cautious and practice avoidance of chemicals and mold for the rest of my life, well at least now, I'll have a better life. 

And a great mind can accomplish great tasks like rebuilding the body with research and diligence.

For instance, bone takes more than calcium to rebuild itself. Bone needs phosphorous and magnesium for starters with the calcium. Bone meal when regulated for impurities does the job well.

Exercise is vital to rebuilding bones. Jumping jacks, walking, five pound weights are great ways to stimulate bone growth. I see them in my future! 

Since I have been ill, exercising helped at first, just walking, but after the black mold exposure, forget about it. My chronic fatigue made it impossible even to this day to do a little exercise. Doing a load of laundry or dishes can lay me up in bed for the rest of the day.

Lazy is not me. So if I am lethargic after a chore, it's the illness not the person. 

People have got to realize that change. A viable, vibrant person stops, or slows down to a crawl, there's something going on inside the body. Eventually the halt will damage the emotions and the mind, a person who is sick doesn't need that pointed out. That person needs medical help and emotional support.

I wish my family had realized their actions caused my secondary collapse and tried to correct their error instead of condemning me to a life of solitude and supplements. 

So if you see someone struggling with low energy, get them to a naturopath or homeopath. That person needs to detox and get nutrition. It's not an overnight fix but in the long run, your friend or relative will feel better knowing you aren't judging them; you are supporting them in their darkest hour like you should.

Have a great and wonderful weekend!

Friday, January 24, 2014

Happiness in a Corrupt System

I had a lovely afternoon talking with neighbors. One was having a garage sale and a couple of others filtered through looking at things. I bought a couple of items. 

I needed some wire to hang a picture correctly and boom, there some was!

i discovered another person who has had employer trouble. It seems that the more neighbors I talk to the more I discover that employers do not understand or appreciate their workers. You wonder why we have problems in this country...

Don't treat your workers like dirt. When I worked I never saw in my job responsibilities that I must surrender my pride, self-esteem, and thought processes to accommodate management's ineptitude.

I am not a servant and I am not stupid. I get paid to do certain tasks, not wipe your ass. So if you hate your employees, that is your personal problem and never should become a retaliatory agenda in the office.

Going along to get along, an employee should never be put in this position. If you expect an employee to be under your boot, then guess what? The problem isn't the employee: it;s YOU. 

There are troubled employees. That's with any general population but most employees want to do a good job,. If you screw with an employee, then you are showing that you are the one that is unprofessional and should be fired. 

I dealt with discrimination at my former employer and I am so glad I am disabled now. The stress of working for incompetent people is over. I just wish more employees would start standing up against corrupt managers. 

It degrades the organization. It kills productivity. All in all, politics and discrimination in the workplace by management to create a culture of dominance and fear is just bad business. 

As tax payers and consumers, we can chose to support businesses that are fair to workers. Perhaps that would be a good way to change the business of being inept toward employees if we began voting with our dollars, instead of being slaves to the corrupt business model. 

And, start your own business. Screw employers who cannot appreciate what they have. Be the leader and example you would like to set for the world. 

If someone is taking away your happiness, remember to not take responsibility for their negativity. It's on them, not you. Keep the energy vampires at bay with white light, your own goals, and of course, happiness. 

Happy trails;) to you!

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Starving for Italian, Antioxdiants, and Adult Content

I admit it. I love pizza. Sometimes I must know a slice is in the freezer to make my life a little less dull. 

Today for instance: I needed pizza! I was debating about going to the store and purchasing something healthy. I didn't want to go. I didn't want to mess with a cab. I didn't want to mess with high school kids. I didn't want to mess with people getting off work. 

So I broke down. I order some pizza online at my favorite spot. My order arrived in record time... it was a slow afternoon. Good! I was really, really hungry.

To round off the fatfest, I wish Starbucks delivered too! hahaha!!! 

But this small order should get me through today and the weekend. I have chores to do and sometimes I forget to plan ahead (thank you, brain inflammation) and I almost starve to death. 

Luckily for me, I can keep my bill around $20 so I still have some emergency funds until the beginning of the next month. Here I was saving for a new pan... oh, well, hungry comes first before other necessities. I hate when my body goes into wasting mode, drops my sugar, and I have to suck on a soda or candy to level out so I can make something to eat. 

I have diabetics on both sides of my family. I don't think my shakes are 100% sugar related. I think my issue is with the need for amino acids and protein. Just in case, I have taken out 90% of sweets, except for my cocoa mocha (unsweentened cocoa and a dash of international coffee) with some agave flavoring in the mornings. Sometimes evenings too! 

Unsweetened chocolate is a great source of antioxidants. If I don't supply my body with chocolate, I will literally go hunting for it around the house or buy candy I do not need at the store. So I fix the fix everyday.

A great way to keep cravings in check. That is not to say have a Starbucks everyday. The little things matter more than the trendy. 

Now I'm tired. Full. Relaxed and ready to watch Vampires Diaries. Yes, I know, I'm too old for the drama, but luckily I have no one to make me feel guilty about my viewing habits. That's what happens when you don't have cable. Oh, and I watch Lost Girl too! hahaha! Buffy the Vampire Slayer for the undersexed adult population. Can you say: soft porn on Netflix with a sword? ;) 

Don't worry, I'm not into programs for the sexual content. I could really care less. I like quirky characters and different storylines. Anything to get my imagination flowing again so I can begin my own writing full time, well full awake time between chores and naps.

Well it's that time again when I bid you adieu. Good night! 

Mysteries of the Unknown

Isn't it great when you don't know what happened to one of your blog posts? I guess the universe did not like my dance analogy. Figures.

I'm sure I will rewrite it again someday but as for today, I would like to talk about personal honor.

I found a curtain on ebay I wanted to buy but the bidding time had ended. I messaged the seller. I got a reply that for $5 the curtain was mine. I was so excited. Living on a tight budget and a curtain that would finish my living room window was such good luck! 

I responded saying send an invoice my way... then silence. I messaged again and the reply from the seller was an abrupt: the item is no longer for sale. Say, what?

Thank you for reneging on your offer. I did not make an offer to the seller; I happily accepted an offer given to me. To pull an offer without reason sounds fishy. I'm sure she got a better offer and sold the curtain at a higher price, but that is why I am talking of personal honor. 

If I had made the same deal, I would have told the next offer: sorry, it's sold. I would not have reneged on my original offer in order to get even ten times more in return. I have some insight into the mysterious of the universe: the unknown consciousness of the fabric of time and space is like Santa. It knows when you have been naughty or nice. 

That little place inside that nags at you when you've done something wrong... that's what is going to get you in the end. Even if you have learned to shut that voice out and become hardened to the world, well, the universe still hears it even if you do not.

Good luck, bad luck... how many people have you screwed over? Hmm?

What I am talking about is not religion. I'm talking about your mind, consciousness, soul, and spirit. 

If you want to change your life, have better luck, then you have to learn to not only treat others with honor but yourself as well. So pump up the volume. Listen to that little voice inside your heart that speaks to you.

You'll be amazed at what it says and how life can be good again once you open yourself up to the mysteries of the unknown. 

Have a great and wonderful day!

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Tough Cholces

I love my feline associates. I have known four of them since they were born. Now, I've come to the unfortunate task of choosing who is staying and who is going. 

I could keep two but I really need to adopt them all out. Riley is a Bombay, or black cat, so she doesn't have a great chance in the adoption world even though Bombays are really smart and lovely. I love Maeson my Lynx Colorpoint Shorthair. He is so loving. Anoushka is just starting to warm up to me being Miss Independent Calico that she is. Jack, my black and white with a pink nose man, he is so adorable and cuddly.

My heart is so torn. Each deserves a home that can titter to them, play with them, and love them. I wish I could give them everything, but I cannot. 

I cannot give what I don't have myself and sometimes love isn't enough. 

I had to ask for help feeding them this coming month. I hate asking for help but I had to. So I am back to making choices. 

I often feel punished for being ill. I had to give up my service cat because of ear infections her last owner did nothing about. I tried to get some friends to help me rescue her from the Humane Society but no one would step up and be a friend to me or Georgie. 

And, I really need her.

I often forget I am cooking something on the stove and she would pester me until I went to see what she was upset about: a pan boiling over or boiling dry. 

I still need her. She was also a Bombay and very intelligent. She taught herself to look out for my short term memory issues.  

I reached out to funding sites, grant sites, and people on social media. Again, no one was there. I feel so bad wondering if the Humane Society killed her or if she is in a cage all alone. 

Here I go crying again and I'm not a crier. My mother would never allow me to cry so I had to learn to hold my emotions all inside or get hit until I stopped. As a small child, I learned to keep quiet. Children were to be seen; not to be heard.

I was incredibly smart, incredibly gifted and no one did anything about it. I feel so behind because I wasn't supported enough, or at all. It's a crime in my book when a good mind goes to waste. I'll never know what awesome contributions to humanity I could have made. 

My brain is malfunctioning now, so I doubt that Great American Novel will come out of that inflammatory damage. Too bad too...

With Georgie not here to help me and I have to replace a pan yet again, which is costly by the way, and the decisions about the babies, I am at my emotional end.

Part of me knows that the kittens and the two year old cat, Ivanka, who co-raised the babies with Irene their mother need a better home than mine. I would still have Ray, the abused white cat who is twelve years old. When he goes to kitty heaven, then I would be alone in the house once more.

I do need some type of companionship, but I'm allergic to everyone I know. So a cat is the best deal. I wonder though if I am a good deal to the cat?

 Georgie Mikayla kitty, I sooo miss you!

Monday, January 20, 2014

You're Gonna Miss Me When I'm Gone

Music can be an anthem for a generation. Songs can console us in times of sorrow and loss. Words can rejuvenate and soothe.

For years, it took me to be able to listen and enjoy music again.

My brain could not appreciate the words, for one I couldn't remember all the words to my favorite songs, or decode the instruments being played. Weird, huh? Music irritated me and sounded moreorless like a jumbled mess.

I'm glad I finally got to a stage where my Central Nervous System can understand the complexities of music once again. 

I still cannot write my blog and listen to music at the same time, but I am making progress nonetheless. 

So the song that affected me today is the title of this blog post. I wonder who misses me? I wonder who never thinks about me? I wonder if I even care to know?

I used to handle everything at my job or in my household. I was on the run 18 hours a day trying to be everything to everyone, including myself. I wanted to have my cake and eat it too. I burned the candle at both ends because I knew someday, it was all going to pay off.

Then the old adage comes into play: life happens while you're making other plans.

I never believed in a million years that my coworkers would poison me until I almost died. Of course, I never believed my family would give up and not take responsibility for what they did to me as well. 

Which leaves me wondering: do they? I bet they do. There's no one like me on the planet.

I've come to the conclusion, hell yeah: you're gonna miss me when I'm gone. 

That in itself is somewhat satisfying. 

Well I'm off to do chores. The cats never do them, so I am alone in my work. I maybe here doing things for the household but I am never alone while jamming to my favorite tunes.

Have a very rock'n'roll day!