Saturday, January 18, 2014

Roller Coaster Rides of Depression and Healing

Up and down. High and low. Welcome to the wonderful world of the detox process. 

I began a new vitamin, mineral, and amino acid powder a while back. I went on a high where I felt alive and well. Now I'm in the detox stage. 

Energy has given way to lethargy. Happiness has faded into depression. And bad dreams and thoughts have worsened.

I am hoping I get over the tough road soon. 

I did get some B complex vitamins ordered. I only hope they help with my energy level. If I have to be fatigued, then let it be most of the day, not all of it. I have stuff to do and I would like to have my chores done instead of thinking about doing them. 

Depression and chronic fatigue together are a mighty assault on my will. 

I do have a formidable will too. After the repeated abuse and poisonings, I wouldn't be hear if there wasn't a reason. If I wasn't so damn onry. If I didn't have a will.

Nothing in life has ever come easy to me. I have worked very hard to get everything I have. Sometimes I wish I could have a respite from the madness of the world, but that just leads to complacency. 

If I am anything, it surely is not complacent.

I am always searching, researching what life is all about. What the universe really is. Why I am here?

Everyone has these questions, but most others are satisfied with religious systems that are there to confine their souls to man made dogma, not to inspire imagination or creativity. 

I want to be inspired. I want to be free. I want to soar!

Isn't there something you want to do?

Maybe it's time to break the chains of society,find what inspires you, and ride a roller coaster of your own making with your destiny in mind.  Trying is not failing, failing to try is. 

Have a great ride!

Friday, January 17, 2014

Game Changers and Brain Malfunctions

I do but I don't feel like myself. Sometimes I feel more like myself than I ever had in life. Something strange is happening to me.

Brain injury induced by inflammation. 

I was reading up on how personality can change because of brain injury. I think I am on that bandwagon. Before my collapse I could be in pollution, except now if I am in chemicals or molds, my Central Nervous System (CNS) gets agitated and I become impatient.

It's like not being in control of you. 

I never drank, did drugs or even smoked. I took pretty good care of myself in that respect. i did, however, like the occasional fried foods. I am part Scottish... ;) Anyway, I never liked being out of control of myself. Now that seems to have changed with the brain injury and new exposures to cytotoxins and biotoxins.

I know when I went to the store during the heavy fireplace usage season and the air quality was very poor, like in the unhealthy range, but when you need food; you need food. I could not think. I couldn't check out. I was a mental mess.

I am very smart, but when my brain is exposed to pollution and toxins forget it! I become a bumbling fool. There's nothing I can do about it. My brain is injured.

Multiple Chemical Sensitivity (MCS) by pesticide/mercury poisoning and the filthy air at my former employer (probably molds and fungi too), black mold exposure thanks to family while I had no immune system, and now chemicals sold as everyday use products, my body responded with inflammation. Inflammation (and lack of oxygen) led my brain to be unable to cope with real life. 

We haven't even touched on my respiratory (lack of oxygen), circulatory (mitral prolapse), and detoxification (liver and kidneys) systems that are permanently damaged forevermore. I spend $200+ in supplements a month, usually more like $350, because I am allergic to 90% of pharmaceuticals. Forget the lifesaving inhalers for my asthma which has turned into COPD and emphysema. Forget pain relievers or antibiotics. Forget being saved by allopathic medicine.

I have nothing but natural remedies. Those remedies cost money. On a fixed income, nothing comes cheap in that department. 

If I had two grand to spend every month on healing, I could get well in half the time. Since reality does not work that way, I should be cured just about the time my heart stops from older age. We'll say in about 20 years. 

Well, I won't be cured in 20 years. If I lived it would take another 40 years at least to get back to a normal-er, healthy-ish body. Then again I'll be in my eighties by then so it's kind of a trade-off: illness for old age ailments.

It's weird walking around knowing you were murdered by coworkers and family but haven't died from the illnesses and injuries yet. It is very weird. Who could I possibly talk to that would understand being murdered except another murder victim... okay, eww. I'm not going to the morgue to talk to the dead.

Well, I guess that will be my end of the week sermon. 

Stay safe. Throw out all the chemicals you have lying around the house and garage waiting to poison you and your family.

Believe me, those products aren't worth the cost on your health or life.


Have a great weekend!


Thursday, January 16, 2014

When You Wish and Hope

I had a fantastic evening last night stargazing. 

I even saw a shooting star. What made the experience that much more special is when I looked online and discovered the remnants of Comet Ison could have made the meteorite particles 

I'm going to go out again and see if another shooting star crosses my path. I have wishes to make. I wish I could get well. I wish I could help others like I used to do. I wish I could be a lecturer and exhibiting artist again. I wish... I wish.. I wish.

It seems like when I lay in bed on lethargic days like this one looking up at the ceiling that I do a lot of wishing. I wish people would know what pesticides do and stop using them. I wish others would try to understand how living in a bubble is not fun. How I wish I knew the right words to convince people not to be so callous.

But that is what shooting stars are for: hope. I hope that one day others will see the damage poisons do and no longer accept them as part of society. 

Wishes and hopes... those ideas are better than anger and bitterness. 

I lived there once. Never again. No one is going to interfere with my dreams. 

When's the last time you wished upon a star? Come out and enjoy the night with me...

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

By the Light of the Pale Moon

That's right, folks, it's that time of the month again. The moon is full in the heavens. All the crazies are out and the stars like to twinkle, twinkle. 

I cannot hide it any longer. I am in love. I love the night sky. 

I love Orion, the planets, nebulae, Milky Way... all of it!

I have these great binoculars that are just about as good as any telescope I have ever had but these binoculars are easier to position. Much more efficient. I do not have to fumble around with lens, or balance, or anything. I point and gaze.

And, I do gaze.... remember, I'm in love ;)

I may not be the best astronomer in the world, but I  am the happiest. Tonight, before I go to bed, I am going to head outside and look up at the near full moon and wonder. I will wonder why I am the only one outside gazing upward.

When you look at the marvels in our solar system, you can dream of worlds beyond our own. You can dream. You can see that we are but a small blue planet in an ever expanding red shift. 

Out there is where we come from. Out there is who we are. Out there is the undiscovered country of our own imaginations.

Won't you join me?
 

Have a great night!


Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Black Cat Fever Goes to the Dogs

My Bombay named Riley Skye loves to play fetch. She brings me her little toys and wants me to throw them so she can bring them back... over and over again.

For those who do not know, Bonbays are black cats. Super smart, super funny cats. Most people associate black cats with witches, black magick, and bad luck. Far from the truth. 

Bombays are part Birman. So that little bit of Siamese gives them a bonding quality to humans that is beyond compare. Somewhat vocal. Bossy, but fun, Bombays are a delight have around. 

Two of Riley's half sisters from another mother live outside in my garage. Chaun is funny always butting my hand when I try to give her dry food, so it goes everywhere. Samika is  beautiful and large, about twelve pounds!  Sweet as can be too. 

These cats are athletic with short dark chocolate fur that is silky and shiny. 

If you have never been owned by a Bombay, I highly recommend it. You will never be without a larger than life personality in the house. Or a watchful eye as you take a shower.

Now to hide her toys so she won't want to play "fetch" at two and three in the morning! hahaha!

Have a great night.    

Monday, January 13, 2014

Outgrowing the need for love? It's exhausting

That vitamin powder must be working, I vacuumed and swept today while I had a load of towels and dishes going in the other rooms. I like days like today. Once and a while, chronic fatigue takes a sick day and I am able to be a normal person for a few hours. 

Then, of course, I end up in bed for a few days recovering from the sudden burst of energy. Even the positive days become damned if you do or damned if you don't, but that's what happens with chronic illness.

I have a new cat outside and here I am trying to adopt out some eight month old, spayed and neutered kittens. Lovely bunch, but too much for me to handle any more, physically and financially. Sometimes I think the universe likes to play sick jokes on people in an vain attempt at cosmic humor. Dude, I'm not laughing... I have plenty of cats already. Stop it.

This is supposed be an old folks home, not Cattery 101. 

I guess the universe knew I needed some love and a family of my own. I love them all very dearly. Unfortunately there comes a time when the babies must leave the nest. I'm afraid mine have all outgrown my place and need somewhere of their own. 

Like all caretakers, if you love them, you must set them free. I'll have to begin the depressing process of finding homes for my little creatures. Then I will have empty nest syndrome after the house goes quiet.

I'll mope. I'll cry. I'll wonder why I am unloved and alone...

Then the universe will send me a new batch and you know I cannot say "no" to baby kitties.

What am I ever going to do with myself? 

Have a great and wonderful evening!    

Sunday, January 12, 2014

No Country for Old Women

So I had a crappy morning. Terrible nightmares will make anyone a little grumpy, but I soon found someone the universe sent to me as recompense: an old cat.

S/he has now decided that s/he too is going to live in my garage with the other kitties. Everything is fine until food time then this new cat growls while s/he eats. Poor kitty. 

I shush the kitty so my others will eat. All except for Irene, my cats have not been aggressive with their meals as they know I hand out equally from the can. Irene has since become quiet when she eats. 

However I went inside and got a second can to feed everyone and give some more to this new dark gray and black with long hair cat. S/he looks old. S/he should be in a home with an old woman watching television with s/he on her lap.

I'll wait awhile before attempting a stroke to see if the new cat is skin and bones or not. S/he sppears rather healthy albeit beat up and scared.

I guess that's how it is in the world these days. It's not a place for old women especially if you are a homeless cat. 

The universe decided I should shrug off the evil of my former life because it's really not my burden to carry and showed me that I am needed even just to give that TLC I am so famous for to the underprivileged felines of the neighborhood.

Have a great and wonderful evening!

Family, Friends, and Other Fantasy Creatures

Have you ever wanted to be someone else?

I find that I have those thoughts occur more often these days. Since I live virtually in a bubble for my own health and protection, I like to fantasize about going to the movies, theater, or anywhere... that isn't here.

Could you imagine living without much or any human contact? I have some friends who call but it isn't the same as sitting down and talking with someone over tea and crumpets. Okay, so I don't have tea or even any funny shaped finger sandwiches, but you get the point. 

I often dream of having people who weren't scared to be my friends. Who would help when I needed it without strings attached or complaint. Who wanted to be around me without chemicals or poisons on their person. 

But who am I kidding?

If my own family would not make the sacrifices I have to now on a daily basis, thanks in part to their unthinking and unfeeling actions about a leaky kitchen faucet that created the black mold that almost killed me (after an irresponsible employer and illegal pesticides and fungus/mold in the buildings/air ducts that nearly killed me approximately eighteen months earlier), why would anyone else on this planet make any concessions to be my cell mate? Even for an hour?

It is a sad and terrible realization to know that you are in it for the long haul... and in it alone.

I'm glad that I was made an introvert. I can stand lengths of time in silence, but I am still a human girl. I like to imagine me in ball gowns, party dresses, curled hair, perfect make up, and high heeled shoes. 

That is just a fantasy of what could have been. 

If only people would stop and think about how their actions or even inactions could affect other people. I guess that is another fantasy of mine: people who take responsibility.

I was erroneously under the impression that if you do wrong to someone you make it up to that person better than how you harmed them. Another fantasy...

And, that family or friends would take a minute to walk in my shoes before they ignore what they have done to me and still feel they are allowed to call me names.

After all I did to keep the family together... why would you treat me this way? Make me sick? Threaten me? Isolate me? Refuse medical treatment for me? Steal from me? Hit me? Bully me? Yell and scream at me? Refuse me basic care? Then abandon me for dead when you illicit the negative reaction you wanted after years of this torture to justify your getaway? Give me a break.

Even though I was very sick and fragile during the neglect, abuse, and torture, the brain has a way of saving it for later. So I remember what happened to me. All of it.

The night terrors continue... like the one that woke me with a blood curdling scream this morning.

I maybe alone, but I rather entertain what could have been then to see or hear from family or friends ever again who don't know the value of a person.